I've been seeing everything really different lately. I should be using my camera more than ever during all of this, but I really haven't had the time. Everything has been really distorted through my eyes lately. I really don't know how to explain it. I dont know if its because I have a giant lack of sleep, or if its because i'm stressed, but I have had almost no motivation for anything. My dreams dont help me either. I wake up every morning realizing just how unhappy and hurt I am. I have the happiest dreams, and than I wake up and look around me and realize that all it was was a dream. It's very depressing. How can my own thoughts do that to me?

I've been working at Starbucks for almost 6 months now. I just became eligible for full time benefits. I'm working on getting a second job. I wanna be a color guard coach. I've wanted to be one since i was 15. But I have to buy myself a new car before I even think about another job. My other car, the VW Beetle, is a lost cause and would cost me A LOT of money to repair it. So I was told to just buy another one. It's easier said than done. Everything at one point was really looking up for me. It was working out so well, and for once I felt like my plans and goals were possible. And now, I cant see how any of the plans I have in line will even come close to working.

I miss when smiling came so easy and crying was a rarity. There's so much happening all at once, and I've had to deal with it alone. I never wanted anyone to deal with my problems for me... I just needed someone to be there for support. Someone to hug me and hold me and tell me everything will be okay. Even if they dont believe it. I've had to be strong for everyone around me again. I've had to be the only one that doesnt seem to be bothered by anything. The one thats there for everyone else. When Ma passed away, I said I wouldnt be able to deal with it. That day was the only day someone held me and told me I wouldnt be alone and that I was strong and could do it and blah blah blah. The same bullshit. They were wrong, and I was right. I am alone through it all. I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. When I ask to be held, I either get a half ass hug, or I get told no. I cant deal with it. I was right about that. I dont know how to do all this.

And to top it all off... I know exactly what I want and I've been working so hard for it.. but It just keeps seeming like it will never matter.

I've always enjoyed writing... even if I'm not all that great at it. So, that means that I tend to enjoy blogging as well. I've been told by numerous different people that they love to read what I write because it's funny, or interesting, or deep, or off the wall, or inspirational, etc. I love that. That makes me so happy because that means I'm reaching people. See, I'm an artist. It makes me soooooooooooooo excited to know that something that I created reached someone and made them react to it. I love reactions....even if they're bad.

I always seem to write about the bad things that happen in my life. So, I am dedicating this blog solely and completely on all the good things that are circling through my mind like a merry-go-round.

First, I would like to take a minute or so to reflect on the one person in my life who no matter what, will always be the most important person in my life. If it wasn't for this person (and someone else of course), I would not be here today. That person is...............

My Mommy.

My mom is an amazing woman and the most wonderful role model that I have ever had. No matter what happens, seeing my mom makes me so happy. I love her so much, and I miss her a lot when I'm not home. My mom is the best mom out there because no matter how rough our life was, and no matter who walked in and out of our lives, she still put my sister and myself before anything and raised us right. Neither of us have been arrested or gotten into any serious trouble, and I've grown up wanting to be a role model to my own children in the same way that my mommy was a role model to me. My mom was my best friend growing up, and even though we've slightly grown apart from each other.. I still run to my mommy when I need her. I love my mom so much, and I dont know what I would ever do if I didn't have her in my life.

I LOVE YOU MOM!!!

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It's supposed to rain tomorrow. I can't wait, im so excited. I love everything about the rain. I especially love the smell of rain on the pavement, and how after a good rain, people seem to be in a better mood. There's a lot in life that I love.. Like, early in the morning when the sun isnt really up yet and theres that misty haze hovering over the ground and the grass looks brighter because it's covered in dew. I love how when it's cold, you can see your breath in the air. I love how snowflakes actually have unique shapes. I love how smiling at a complete stranger makes their day. I love how no matter what mood I'm in, seeing an animal makes me smile even if its just for a split second. I love how pictures speak louder than words. I love how some songs can make me cry. I love how horses can be giant, intimidating animals, but they're still graceful and beautiful at the same time. I love how women blush when you tell them that they're beautiful.. even when they deny it. I love watching old people walk hand-in-hand down the street with that "true love gaze" still sparkling in their eyes. I love the amazment and curiosity in a babies eyes when they see something new. I love when Heather's puppy pounces like a cat when he's playing. I love how my cat knows when something wrong and cuddles with me until I fall asleep. I love how Opa still visits me and makes me feel safe and lets me know everything will be okay. I love having friends that will let me babble and vent and cry to them even when they're to busy to hear it. I love seeing the excitment in a child's face after riding a horse for the first time. I love how books with a sad ending are always the best ones. I love being surprised and surprising other people. I love how my cat sits by my front door and waits for me to get home. I love how my cat fits perfectly in the curve of my back and side when I'm laying down, and I love how I fall asleep as soon as she lays down in either of those two spots. I love that being an insomniac means I get to watch the sun come up almost every morning and also watch it go down every night. I love the colors in the sky when the sun sets. I love when you can bob your head to a song you've never heard before. I love when a hug or a kiss say more than words. I love being a girl scout leader because it means i get to be a role model to numerous children and help them grow and evolve into respectful and caring people. I love those special people in my life because it's them who've kept me living. I love hearing the birds still singing at 3am. I love seeing a grown, tough man cry in the face of a tragedy... it means they have a heart. I love seeing people get giddy when they're looking into the eyes of the person that they love. I love how no matter whats around me, I feel safe when she hugs me. I love how I know that my first experience kissing in the rain will be an amazing and memorable one. I love how some poetry makes me cry. I love when my 90 year old great-grandma smiles, hugs me, and tells me she loves me... and I love how her face lights up when I walk into the room. I love that even though the GDWL no longer exists.. if I ever need someone to talk to, I can still go to any one of them and they'll be there for me. I love how my internal clock ticks when I see a baby, and how my motherly instincts take over when I'm around a child of any age. I love how cuddling makes me feel better. I love seeing someone when I miss them. And yeah... I could go on forever, but it just hit 5am and I should try and get some sleep.

Thank you for reading this far if you did. I hope I didn't bore you.

Love Always,
Twinkie

Well, I havent written a new journal entry on here in almost a year. Holy Shit... Thats a long time... hmm...

Well, I'm here still... Nothing has really changed much.

I worked a lot during the holidays... And now that the holidays are over, they're trying to stick me with 15 hours a week, and they're expecting me to be happy making only about 50-60 dollars a week..... Well, whatever... I'm looking for a new job anyways.. so it doesnt really matter anymore.

I still live with my mom and my grandma in my grandma's house. It's a pain in the ass. My grandma and I dont get along what so ever, and I cant ever do anything right in her eyes. So I avoid my house as much as possible these days. I'm never home. Once I get a new job though, I'll be looking to move out. I need to get my own place. Me and my kitty need to have our own place, because my cat is just as sick of my grandma's cats as I am of my Grandma. So it all works.

My great grandma is slowly passing away. Shes not suffering or anything.. but shes slowly going. She has dymentia, and it's so hard to watch her mind slip from her. One day shes alert and remembers everything, and the next day she cant remember where her living room is. The whole thing is just really really hard to watch. Emotionally, im not strong enough for this yet. This whole thing is forcing me to be strong when its pretty much impossible right now. But I do what I have to do... so I deal with things as they come, and prepare myself for the worst.... it's all I can do to prepare my mind for what could happen at any given time. When it does happen, im hoping to get her cats. Thats all i want. The rest of the family is fighting for her money...... fuck the money.... i dont want her money... money comes and goes. I dont want my only rememberance of my Ma to be $500+... I want something of hers that she loved and will last awhile and not collect dust. I want her cats. So yeah, I'll hopefully have three cats. Which I'm excited about, because cats are good company.

As for my art.... I've been in a very morbid mood. And it reflects in my photoshoots. I just havent posted anything new yet... but it's coming... when i have the time and patience for that shit.... But yeah.. anyhoo..... I should stop now... I'm running out of things to say...

I got in an accident today. On my way to my friends house.. Im at her house right now.. I was sitting at a red light and some bitch drove up and rear-ended me.. I got alllllllllllllllllllll panicky.



But NOOO Worries!!!!!!!


I'm alright... And so is my car. No scratches, no dents, nothing. And I'm alright. I cried though... I started freaking out.. I didnt know what to do.. I called my mom and started yelling about how I got rear-ended and I was alright for awhile when i first called her, but then I finally pulled over into a little side street and parked my car and then i just broke down crying. I was afraid to get out of my car and find out what happened. But I did it, and then cried because everything was okay. I cried a lot about this... I just got really scared. It was my first accident and I got out of it okay. Better than okay, actually.

I got a new camera for Christmas.. A Canon Rebel 2000. Sounds nifty huh? Well it is nifty.. I just dont know how to use it yet. I've only worked with digital. So putting this amazingly difficult, gadget filled, professional film camera in my hands gave me something else to be determined about. Now i gotta learn how to use it. Im taking a class Starting January 3 at LAVC on photography. So hopefully it wont be a waste of my time. Hopefully i'll get something out of it and learn how to use this new camera.

Im in the final stages of applying for Brooks Institute of Photography. Im already accepted, but its a really long, hard process after the acceptance. Im going to Santa Barbara on a Monday sometime soon to visit the campus and meet my admissions representative and such. Im excited to be going to such an amazing school, but at the same time im not. I should be extremely excited, but iono.. ive heard how hard Brooks is. With my academic habits.. im not so sure I'll be able to make it through. I get lazy. But, you never know. I just gotta keep pushing myself to keep on top of things and I have to keep telling myself that I'll be fine. But yeah... thats it for now!