I've been seeing everything really different lately. I should be using my camera more than ever during all of this, but I really haven't had the time. Everything has been really distorted through my eyes lately. I really don't know how to explain it. I dont know if its because I have a giant lack of sleep, or if its because i'm stressed, but I have had almost no motivation for anything. My dreams dont help me either. I wake up every morning realizing just how unhappy and hurt I am. I have the happiest dreams, and than I wake up and look around me and realize that all it was was a dream. It's very depressing. How can my own thoughts do that to me?

I've been working at Starbucks for almost 6 months now. I just became eligible for full time benefits. I'm working on getting a second job. I wanna be a color guard coach. I've wanted to be one since i was 15. But I have to buy myself a new car before I even think about another job. My other car, the VW Beetle, is a lost cause and would cost me A LOT of money to repair it. So I was told to just buy another one. It's easier said than done. Everything at one point was really looking up for me. It was working out so well, and for once I felt like my plans and goals were possible. And now, I cant see how any of the plans I have in line will even come close to working.

I miss when smiling came so easy and crying was a rarity. There's so much happening all at once, and I've had to deal with it alone. I never wanted anyone to deal with my problems for me... I just needed someone to be there for support. Someone to hug me and hold me and tell me everything will be okay. Even if they dont believe it. I've had to be strong for everyone around me again. I've had to be the only one that doesnt seem to be bothered by anything. The one thats there for everyone else. When Ma passed away, I said I wouldnt be able to deal with it. That day was the only day someone held me and told me I wouldnt be alone and that I was strong and could do it and blah blah blah. The same bullshit. They were wrong, and I was right. I am alone through it all. I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. When I ask to be held, I either get a half ass hug, or I get told no. I cant deal with it. I was right about that. I dont know how to do all this.

And to top it all off... I know exactly what I want and I've been working so hard for it.. but It just keeps seeming like it will never matter.